


Dreaming with a broken heart

by MichaelMcM



Category: Shawn Mendes (Musician), niall horan - Fandom, nick jonas - Fandom
Genre: Drinking, Drinking Games, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Fights, First Kiss, First Time, Gay Sex, M/M, Rough Kissing, Sad, Sexual Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 08:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26469883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelMcM/pseuds/MichaelMcM
Summary: Shawn has regrets how he and Niall left things at their last meeting. Things were said that left him feeling sad. Has their friendship hit a wall or can they salvage what is left.....and what is left.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Shawn Mendes, Nick Jonas/Shawn Mendes, Shiall - Relationship
Kudos: 29





	1. Regrets

The sound of the phone startles him. Opening his eyes he searches where the buzz is coming from. He sits up and walks slowly toward the kitchen island and grabs his mobile. He immediately notices the WhatsApp message icon, he breaths out a quiet sigh after reading the name displayed: Nialler. 

He pauses for a minute and something overwhelmes him but shakes it off and taps the icon and reads the message.  
"Hey Shawn, having the boys over next Saturday, will u be in LA"

Confused, he runs his tatooed hand through his thick brown hair, pushing back the curls that flop unrestrained in his eyes. Unknowingly he bites his lip, regret now displayed on his face. He's saddened by the text, not because Niall knows he'll be in LA, but because he called him Shawn and not Shawnie, he hasn't called him Shawn in years. 

Slumping in the nearest chair, he moans quietly, knowing he has to say yes. Its not that he doesn't want to go, its just, things have been strained. Well, maybe not strained but different. He's not even sure how it got to this point. But he remembers the final straw, where it became obvious.....to everyone.

He rubs his temple while remembering back to that night 2 months ago, again at Naills, again another group get together. They were both tipsy, or drunk depending on your perspective. 

The party was like the others, just close friends and mates hanging out, eating, drinking and some good natured teasing. Those nights were always fun, and he was so glad he met these guys as they became his family in Los Angeles. He never confided in anyone but L.A. intimidated him and he still didn't understand America. So when he met Niall there was an immediately kinship over a shared experience, they were both foreigners and famous musicians. Niall became his protecter and big brother. Shawn always felt safe when he was at his place, he could be himself. 

The years had only deepened their bond, he's one of his closest friends. But he felt a shift that night. Usually, Nialls teasing was light and never mean spirited, but this night it was personal, like he was intentionally trying to corner him into a fight. Which was a shock. 

Niall kept pushing, mocking his goodness, his height, everything really and he wouldn't stop. Its not like he hadn't made the same jokes a thousand times, but that night they were sharp and meant to cut, he wanted a reaction. 

Usually he'd let it slide, when Niall was drunk he could become a bit loud and sarcastic, but never adversarial. But the more he drank the more he zeroed in on Shawn. The jabs were caustic and he couln't figure out why, but he knew he was a target and so did everyone else. 

So, when the group nervously laughed at Nialls continuing remarks, Shawn decided he had enough and planned to quietly leave but then Niall cornered him and roughly grabbed his arm. "Hey pretty boy play us one of your hits". He demanded. 

Shawn glared at Niall, hurt by this behaviour. He could feel his anger rise but instead of being kind and gracious, which he always was he pushed back. He moved a little closer. "You're a Fucking Idiot Horan".

The way it escaped his mouth let everyone know he meant it. He rarely got mad, he didnt like to lose control but Niall was relentless and it was going too far, so he drew a line. He immediately saw the surprise on Nialls face, all his Irish mates gasped, Niall face reddened with obvious embarrassment. 

Aa soon as Shawn said it he regretted it, but the truth was he was hurt and had enough. And decided he wasnt going to apologise even though he was Canadian. For a few tense seconds it could have turned into something, quietly glaring at each other, like an old Western stand off, neither backing down. 

Then a voice from the group broke the tension. "Good one Shawn" Jamie Dornan stated. Shawn shot Jamie a look and recognized he was trying to break the tension. He felt the nervousness from the group, all seemingly waiting for Nialls reaction. Shawn turned his gaze back to the Irish boy, and then Niall clued into the tension and gave a half smile and fake laugh. Which caused the others to assume everything was ok.

But Shawn knew it wasn't and saw the daggars in Nialls eyes, a line had been crossed. And when they hugged goodbye at the end of the night, it was not their typical goodbye. Niall tensed up and broke away quckly. Shawn didn't know what to do, so he hung his head and quietly left after saying " Bye Niall". Their texts were now infrequent and not as intimate.

Running his finger over his phone keys he typed. "Sure Niall, looking forward to seeing you". It was a lie but he didnt know how to make this better. He wanted to go back to the way they were, just two great mates, where they liked being around each other. It hurt him thinking it might be lost. He loved Niall, and if he was honest he had other feelings for the former One Directioner that confused him.

Feelings he hid and suppressed; the thing was he never had romantic thoughts about another guy, so it surprised him and he felt shame. He knew he would never tell Niall or act on it, but now it hurt because they way Niall was treating him. And maybe, just maybe his getting mad at Niall was his way of dealing with these new strange feelings. He realised he had to speak to Niall and apologise to make it better.

He needs it to be better, he would do anything to keep Niall in his life. He hated the way it was left. He and Niall have never been like this. But in the back of his mind he didn't understand why Niall was being this way. Thinking on it, Maybe he did something wrong, maybe Niall knows or senses that he likes him. "Fuck" he breathed, maybe I'm making him uncomfortable.

His mind began to race and he decided he has to be better, he won't drink much and he'll pull Niall aside and talk about the stuff between them. He desperately wants to go back to the way they were. 

Still in the chair an idea pops into his head, What if he brings a friend to the party, Niall would be less likely to focus on him or make comments. Niall would never make a guest uncomfortable, its not in his nature. 

Scrolling through his phone he searches who would best fit, he sees Charlie's number, he knows he likes a good time but he can also be very ADD and high maintenance. Kalid is on tour, Camila is in Miami. He remembers Nick texted awhile back saying next time he's in LA they should meet and catch up. 

Its been awhile since hes hung out properly with Nick, other than a quick hug at an award show. They're label mates and were closer when he was younger but they were both so busy and rarely had time to connect.

And he is warry of hanging with Nick as their are so many rumours about them. Being seen togethet would only add fuel to the lies. Twitter is populated with theories of their relationship. He laughs to himself, people would be surprised at how normal their friendship is. Nick has even told him he doesn't give a fuck what those trolls say and not to let them stop you from living your life. He's right of course, but he sometimes puts too much energy in not wanting to be seen in a bad light.

He opens the contact and types.

"Hey Nick, its Shawn, ill be in LA next week and am meeting up with Niall and a few mates at his place on Saturday. If youre not busy love you to join so we can catch up. Maybe have a dinner too, Its been too long".

As he pushed send, Shawn wonders if Nick knows Niall, of course they know of each other but had they ever met. While contemplating this thought his phone buzzes and he sees Nick has responded.

"Hey baby brother, sounds good, I'm in LA on a break and would definitely like to catch up"

Shawn smiles, Nick was now in the habit of calling him baby brother as both had been mistaken for each other by various fans. He was excited to meet up, as they hadn't truly talked for at least a year.

"Great bro, looking forward to seeing you, ill call you next week" and then hits sends. He then locates Nialls contact again types "Hey Niall, I've invited a friend to the party, if that's ok". He immediately sees the telltale blue dots and then Nialls response. "Any friend of yours is welcome"

Niall thinks on the text from shawn inviting a "Friend". He wonders what that means, is it a friend or a Friend friend . He knows shawns circle of friends and they are usually at the party. Realising he's biting his bottom lip he shakes his head. He could just text back and ask who, but doesn't want to seem possessive. Which he knows he's been lately, like Shawns his. 

He also embarrassed about how he acted last time they were together. He let it get out of hand, which he thought he had under control. But he didn't and now feels like he's losing Shawn and he doesn't think he could handle that. 

"Fuck" he breathes out. "Why does he make me feel this way". Not wanting to admit the truth, but he knows, down deep the Canadian boy is all he thinks about, dreams about and its doing his head in. He's tried everything to get past these thought's; One night stands, alcohol and parties at his place to take his mind off him. But Its not working and when he's alone it preys on his mind. The dreams have just intensified about wanting to touch him, kiss him. 

He's so embarrassed by their last meeting that he is too ashamed to contact Shawn much. Which only makes his pain more intense as he misses their conversations. And now this "Friend" won't leave his mind. Is Shawn seeing someone and will he flaunt her in front of him. 

Niall throws the mobile down and grabs a beer hoping to quell the thoughts his mind won't stop having. "Shit, he cant do this, he's got to get this boy out of his mind". He decides he needs to protect himself and plans to focus on other people at his party .


	2. An old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn reaches out to an old friend and feelings surface that are new and interesting.

"Baby brother" Nick yells as Shawn Steps into the restaurant. All eyes shoot to his direction. He bows his head to mask his shyness and makes his way quickly to Nicks table, the telltale pink spreading across his face and Nick smiles smugly knowing he would be embarrassed, which is why he did it.

"Asshole" Shawn whispers as he goes in for a big hug. 

"You smell nice" Nick teases. 

"Now I remember why we don't see each other much " Shawn pushes Nick.

"Oh come on, you really need to loosen up " Nick smiles

"Why are you always trying to embarrass me" Shawn questions .

"Cus it so fucking easy and you look so innocent when you're flustered"

"Jesus, this was a bloody mistake" Shawn sarcastically spits out.

"Hey in all seriousness, I've missed you " Nick quietly let's fall from his mouth as both boys find their seat next to each other in the corner booth. Shawn faintly blushes and Nick winks and whispers "its true".  
Shawns eyes fall ever so slightly "Me too Nicki"

"Good " Nick acknowledges.

As Nick continues to update Shawn on his life the past year, Shawn remembers how easy it is to be with Nick, there is no pretense or jealousy. Nick has always treated him like an equal, even when he didnt have too. He was himself around Nick and Nick always had his back. As he talks Shawn cant help but notice how handsome Nick is. His dark hair is cropped short with just a hint of scruff on his face. The dark brown eyes with the long eye lashes that always look so questioning. 

"Shawn" " Oh...Shawn" 

"Umm Yeh..i mean What ? " 

"You were lost in thought, am I that boring you prick" Nick teases 

Shawn shakes his head and laughs .

"Sorry, you know me I easily get lost ...i was thinking how I missed you and how I always feel good around you and how well you have always treated me" 

Nick smiles "Hard not to, you always seemed so surprised at everything, I always felt I needed to protect you from the wolves" 

"Yeah thanks for that Nick, i was nervous all the time". Nick gently nods at Shawn and rubs his arm ever so lightly as an acknowledgement. Once again Shawns mind thinks how he can just talk about his feelings with Nick and never feel like its wrong. 

"But look at you now, so .. " Nick doesn't finish the sentence but looks intently at Shawn.

" So ...what ? " shawn wonders 

"Nothing" Nick shakes his head 

"Come on, tell me" Shawn begs 

"Hmm...so grown up, I mean I nearly fell on my fucking ass when I saw your Calvin Klein Ad...why didn't you tell me before hand about that"

Shawns face reddens and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat and then clears his throat " I was embarrassed by it and didn't know how to tell people, so I didnt tell anyone "

"Fuck it ! Don't be embarrassed" Nick states, then lowered his voice and said "You looked really sexy you know" 

Shawn's blush spreads further over his face, his body giving up all his secrets.

"Maybe I need to stop calling you Baby brother" Nick grins "And call you Baby boy" then winks.

"Fuck off" Shawn tries to say harshy but comes across as sweet.

They're flirting innocently shawn thinks and wonders why Nick is being so sexual. Nick has never been this way around him. Sure he knew that Nick had experimented with men but Nick had never flirted with him and definitely never called him sexy. He has always acted like a protective brother, advising him who to watch out for in their business. 

Shawn mentally shrugs it off and chalks it off to friendly teasing and enjoys the remainder of dinner. After they finish their meal they walk outside to their cars. Making small talk about meeting at Nialls the next night, Nick walks Shawn to his Land Rover and seems to be stretching out their goodbye, then suddenly moves in closer, Shawn is unsure what is happening but doesn't move away. Nick steps a bit further into Shawns space and then raises his hand to shoulder, then brushes a piece off lint from Shawns Jacket. Shawn smiles then meets Nicks eyes, they linger for a bit but then Shawns eyes lower, he feels embarrassed and his heart is beating a bit faster. He needs to say something to hide is awkwardness.

"Always looking out for me eh" Shawn quickly spits out, but it doesnt deflect the closeness of their bodies.

Nick rolls his eyes sarcastically "Jesus, you're so Canadian" but still standing nearly touching Shawn. 

"Well yeh, obviously" Shawn manages to answer defiantly. 

Nick is silent for what seems like an eternity but then clears him throat. "Ok Canada, give me a hug" as their bodies connect, Nick breathes in gently and not so discretly smells the younger boy.

"You really do smell good" as he brushes a curl out of his face. A slight shiver runs down Shawns spine.

Shawn devilishly grins.  
"A shower and cologne will do that for you Nicki"

Nick smirks "Oh yeah right, I should try that sometime"

The moment passes and they slowly break their embrace and laugh.

Shawn pulled into the driveway of his rented Airbnb and couldn't untangle his dinner with Nick. Was he reading too much into their interaction. Was his mind playing tricks on him, were they flirting, "What is happening to me" Shawn lets out "Im so bad at this". And he is bad at this, He always had difficulty picking up the subtleties when people were hitting on him. And the fact was he had no experience with men and he was starting to hate his life. It was bad enough liking women now adding men into the mix was becoming too much. 

He had been obsessing over Niall for so long but now Niall is treating him like the plague and now Nick seems to be sending him messages. He drops his head hard on the steering wheel of his SUV trying to wish it all away, His life was now more complicated that it should be.


	3. Baby Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn is feeling nervous about finally seeing Niall. But maybe he and Niall can get past their last meeting and talk about what the problem is.

Shawn pulls up to the Canyon where Nialls house is and before turning into the driveway his phone rings and he taps the bluetooth after seeing Nicks Name on the display.

"Hey Baby boy" Nicks voice echos in his Land Rover.

"Oh Jesus" Shawn breathes out . "You're not going to call me that now are you"

Nicks laughter fills the SUV  
"Definitely...i know it will embarrass you and its going to be our thing"

"Do we need a thing" shawn questions.

"I can see your red cheeks through the bluetooth" Nicks chuckles. "But listen Baby boy, ill be a bit late, this photo shoot is going overtime, but I'll be there soon"

Shawn tilts his wrist to see the time. "No worries, but hurry up or ill be too drunk by the time you get here"

"A drunk Shawn Mendes, that sounds fun" 

Shawn sighs "Not really, apparently I get a bit messy, the fans like to see it though"

"No worries" Nick says.  
"Ill take care of my boy"

"I'm nobody's boy Nicki"

"I know, I know you're all man now, I've seen the pictures" Nick smirks with glee.

Shawn rolls his eyes. "Okay Nicki, just get here when you can"

"Will do....Bye" Nick clicks off the line. 

Shawn parks in the familar driveway, sitting silently trying to calm his anxiety. "Fuck this is a mistske" everything is telling him to turn around and go back to his Condo. But he hesitently steps out of the SUV and looks at Nialls front door and takes a breath and walks toward what he thinks is a really bad idea. Shawn stops at the front door reassessing what he is wearing. He now feels like he dressed too "Something". The pants are too tight cupping his thick ass and his t-shirt is one size too small highlighting his chest and arms. His mind is a ball of confusion and he is verbally berating himself and all he hears in his head is "You dressed like this on purpose"

The door opens suddenly and Niall is standing before him. They stare quietly, There are questions left unanswered between them. Niall quickly glances at all of Shawn and swallows as he sees how Shawn is dressed and a small groan escapes his mouth, he wonders if he teasing him. Nial quickly shakes it off and readjusts his eyes back to Shawns face.

"Hey, you made it". Niall asks, in his head thinking he's such an idiot, what does that even mean you made it, you knew Shawn was coming.

Shawn blinks and tilts his head, like he doesn't understand what Niall just said.

"Um, yeh of course , did you not think i was coming" Shawn says unsure now .

"No..sorry...i mean come in Shawn".

"FUCK ...Stop calling me Shawn" is what shawn is sceaming in his head but what comes out of his mouth is  
"Sure Niall".

Niall steps awkarkwadly aside and Shawn stares for a brief second then enters the foyer and then stops quickly. He's overthinking now, what does he do, does he go right into he living room or wait to be invited. Then shawn hears Nialls question from  
behind him

"Is everything alright "

Shawn slightly turns his head and quietly breathes out. "Yeh ...umm should I go to the living room"

There is a brief second of silence as Niall contemplates Shawns question. "Why is he asking this and behaving this way...he knows to make himself at home". Niall clears his throat.  
" Yeh ...go on through"

Shawn feels uncomfortable now but nods and makes his way into the living room that is already echoing with chatter and music. Shawn turns to thank Niall but Niall walks past him and enters the kitchen. He can feel the anxiety overtake him and doesn't want to be here. A few friends come up to Shawn and say hi and he puts on that fake smile he has practiced far too often when met with industry parties.

His mind is swirling and he needs a drink. He excuses himself and makes his way to the bar. He's about to grab a beer but thinks something stronger is needed. He pours a whiskey, straight with no mix and drinks the shot down in one go. The second one is just as quick. He feels a hand on his wrist as he's about to pour his third. Shawn follows the arm up to see Jamie Dornan. 

"You alright mate" His irish accent thick with concern.

Shawn sighs, thinking if he should say it, he's always kept his emotions under wraps, but looks into Jamie's eyes feeling like he can read him. Shawn sets the whiskey back on the table. 

"I don't think Niall wants me here"

"Non-sense Shawn, you two just had a bit of a go at it, it'll pass...you guys just need to talk"

Shawn is unsure but hopes down deep he's right. He looks again at Jamie, smiles and grabs a beer, takes a sips

"I guess "

Jamie smiles and wraps his arm around Shawns shoulders and whispers.

"It'll be alright, Niall would be lost without you, hes not been himself since that night".

Shawns mind is trying to process that, what does he mean, he hasn't been the same. Shawn pushes it down and forces himself to focus on asking Jamie about his wife and kids. They chat uninterrupted for about 15 minutes when Niall comes up behind them and joins the conversation.

"Whats secrets are you two talking about". Niall questions as his eye brow raises.

Shawn goes blank, the only words that escape his mouth are "Umm"

Jamie quickly jumps in and jokingly states.

"I was just commenting to Shawn that if I wasn't married I'd be all over him". Then grabs Shawn and pulls him in for a side hug. 

Shawn coughs out a laugh and Niall just stares quietly, not responding then says "Oh"

Jamie can feel the tension and thinks this whole situation is fucked "Well excuse me while I go use the toilet" Jamie walks away hoping that his leaving will give his mates an opportunity to talk.

"That was odd" Niall states.

"Was it" Shawn asks, continuing the joke.  
"You don't think Jamie and I would make a hot couple" hoping to lighten the mood.

Niall shakes his head in confusion and stareds, asking  
"Are yous serious "

"He's married Niall, of course not". shawn answers, thinking that Niall is acting strange, its a joke he would ususlly laugh at but now was acting odd. 

There is a brief silence before Shawn hears Niall ask ."Wheres your friend, I dont see her".

Shawn shakes his head.  
"what ?"

"Your friend...where is she" 

Shawn glances at the crowd and then back at Niall and says "There is no she, Its...."

Then a deep voice quietly interrupts their conversation. 

"Hey Baby boy" Nick loudly speaks in Shawns direction and then pulls him into an hug before Shawn can register what is happening. .

Niall looks on in disbelief and witnesses the look on Shawns face as they embrace. A crimson hue is splayed across his cheeks while Nick Jonas intimately rubs his hand on Shawns back. Nialls heart sinks into his stomach as his mind goes into overdrive. What is happening, "Baby boy" , what does that mean. Nialls mind has so many questions, that he would never actually ask.

As Nick breaks the embrace he turns to Niall. "Hey man, nice to meet you" Nick speaks directly to Niall. Niall stares Blankley then catches himself. "Yeh, Nice to meet ya too Nick, Shawn didnt tell me you were the guest"

Nick shoots Shawn a quick look  
"Still keeping me a secret from all your friends Baby boy". Then laughs, enjoying watching Shawn squirm.

Shawn rolls his eyes "Not so much a secret but a nightmare"

"HEY! Thats not nice" Nick mocks.

Niall sees the intimacy between them, they look comfortable and at ease. Of course he heard the rumours but never believed them but now his mind was fucking with him. Why did Shawn bring him here. He needs to get away from them.

"Would you like a drink Nick" Niall offers.

"Yeh, sure whatever Shawns having"

Niall looks at the beer in Shawns hand "One beer coming up". As Niall walks away he can feel a pit in his stomach.

"Niall seems nice" Nick says as he turns to face Shawn.

"Yeh, hes the greatest, unlike you" Shawn deadpans.

Nick brings his hand to his chest and feigns outrage then winks at Shawn. Niall sees the interaction between the two as he is walking the beer back over. He can feel the jealousy permeate under his skin. There is only one way to deal with that emotion. Get fucking drunk.

As the alcohol flows Nialls Irishness barrels full speed ahead. He is making time for all his guests and being the proverbial life of the party. But he can't avoid the obvious elephant in the room. 2 boys Sat squarely on the sofa engaged in what looks like an intimate conversation all night.

Hes furious now and not sure how much longer he can contain himself. He wasnt sure if it was the alcohol or the hurt that made him say it. But he yells out "Lets play a game". There are audible groans from his mates but Niall doesn't care. "Truth or dare" he announces as he looks directly at shawn catching his eye. 

Shawn looks strangely at Niall and wonders what he's doing. They have never played this game and a sick feeling starts to engulf him. Shawn tries to ignore it and convinces himself its nothing. He's stayed under Nialls radar all night, avoiding any run ins with him.

Then he sees Niall smirk, like he has a secret and his eyes stay fixed on Shawns. Alarm bells are going off now and he feels like Niall is about to do something directed at him. 

Niall organizes everyone around him, its now late and most everyone has had a little too much to drink, including Shawn and Nick. Niall drunkenly yells out that Jamie can go first and then whoever he picks gets to go and so on. Jamie looks around and finds Nialls cousin and asks "truth or dare".

He yells dare . Jamie laughs and thinks for a second and with a devilish grin dares him to strip and sing the Irish national anthem. The group breaks into laughter but he does it and the cheers of the group lighten everyone's spirits at playing the game. The game seems to be going great as most people take the dares and there are many awful drinks that are drunk and humiliations galore. Finally Niall has finished his dare of saying the British are the best at everything which nearly killed him as an Irish lad.

Niall scans the room and his eyes fall to his intended target. Shawn knew that it would be him, instinctively he knew when no one called on him earlier. It was a waiting game and his anxiety was now racing. 

"Truth or dare Shawnie" niall asks, seemingly taking great joy. 

Shawn swallows and looks at Niall, his mind debating which would be worse. He feels all eyes on him when he didnt answer right away. Nick nudges him and Shawn shoots Nick a desperate look. Nick could immediately tell he was panicked, Nick has missed something, there is an undercurrent of something happening. Nick feels his hairs raise like he needs to protect Shawn against something, but isn't sure what.

"Truth" shawn finally says, as he stands straighter and looks at Niall directly in the eyes. Shawn prayed this wasn't an elaborate game to humiliate him, but the gnawing feeling remained.

Shawn hears the drunken conversations of his friends all around him who were barely paying attention. But then Niall clears his throat " let me think" There was a small pause but then Niall looks back at Shawn, obviously drunk but clearly had a question ready.

"Shawnie have you ever had sex with anyone in this room".

There are obvious gasps as the question was asked. The women at the party are the partners of all of Shawns and Nialls friends. The implication was clear and implicit. Niall was asking if Shawn and Nick have had sex and everyone knew.

Jamie immediately understood what Niall was doing and as per usual tried to diffuse the question. "Jesus christ Niall I tell you that shawn and I had sex one time and its all you want to talk about".

The rest of the group laughs as Jamie continues to redirect focus. But Shawn is not laughing and Nick is dumbfounded by the whole situation. Shawn had slightly lowered his gaze from Niall, but a rage has was now forming. You prick he thinks. Shawn won't give him the satisfaction. He snaps his head back toward Naill and stares at him, his eyes not straying from Nialls gaze.

"No" shawn loudly states, which quiets the room somewhat.

"Nialls real question is if Me and Nick have had sex".

The room is quiet and a discomfort envelopes everyone. 

"Isn't that your question Niall" Shawn asks defiantly.

Niall looks around the room and is embarrassed, he regrets everything. He couldn't control his jealousy and now they are all stuck in this place. He's humiliated the one person he likes the most and has treated a guest horribly. He wants to slide away. But he cant, he did this intentionally and there is no way out and there will be no winners. 

"Sorry Shawnie, it was just a joke" Niall trys to backtrack, wanting to mend everything but he sees a determined look on Shawns face . 

"No Niall" Shawn says calmly and confidently. "Its your game, you deserve an answer".

Shawn slowly walks through the group and stands before Niall. He wants Naill to see the destruction he's perpetrated. He towers over him by a good 6 inches. Shawn ignores everyone and stares emotionlesss at Niall and then bends down and grabs Nialls face, for a second there eyes never leave each otheres gaze. He then pushes his lips next to Nialls ear whispers something quietly. 

When he pushes his head away he wants Niall to see his face, he wants him to know exactly what he's done. He's forcing himself not to cry, instead a tiny smile forms on his lips, its hiding a breaking heart, but he looks so controlled that you wouldn't know it, unless you detected the forming tear that was about to escape. Before that could happen Shawn turns and locates Nick. He walks back to him, keeping his eyes focused on his face. Once he reaches him he gently speaks.  
" Sorry for this"  
Nick looks at Shawn, he can see the boy is broken and wants to make him better, but doesn't know how.

"Let' me take you home" 

Shawn nods and they walk out of the party. Both too drunk to drive. Nick pulls out his phone and stares at shawn while calling an Uber. After closing the App. Nick wants to say something, ask what all this was about but he can see the boy in front of him is distraught so he instinctively just turns to hug him. And Shawn hugs him back, holding on like a little kid. Nick can feel the sadness radiate off him.

They don't talk on the Uber ride to Shawns condo. Nick doesnt know really what to say or to do. Once they arrive Shawn turns to Nick and pleads with his eyes and asks "Stay". Nick knows this is a bad idea and wants to go home but he's afraid for Shawn. They both silently exit the car and quietly walk into shawns condo.


	4. The Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The destruction of Nialls party is played out. Shawn whisperd his answer to Niall, and that answer also had a promise.

"You alright Shawn" Nick asks quietly as Shawn walks in front of him into the spacious livingroom.

Shawn stops and stands still, his back to Nick, like he's contemplating something. Turning he catches Nicks gaze and a tiny smile forms on lips, but Nick can tell its broken and protecting his emotions. He's known Shawn since he was 15 and recognised from that first meeting there was a shyness to him, not weakness but an inherent goodness that could be destroyed if not protected. 

Shawn lowers his eyes, a feeling of shame envelops him  
"Im sorry Nick , I didnt think Niall would ever ...could ever"

"Hey Shawn don't you dare blame yourself". Nick interrupts. Nicks walks over to Shawn wanting him to look at him. As they stare at each other, Nick grins, the one that always seems like its hiding a secret. "Im not sure exactly what is happening between you and Niall but from the little I gathered there is a history of something".

Shawn nods in acknowlegedment but doesnt talk. They are still for a moment and then Nick notices a change in Shawns demeanour. There's something new, a look Shawns never had before before. Nick can't decide if Its confidence or he's trying to push everything down so he can manage. Its the tiny knowing smirk on his face that intrigues him, then his body is more relaxed. Nick can see it now, Shawns sure of himself, almost cocky. Nick is confused and not sure why the change but the boy looks sexy and he won't stop staring. Not the questioning stare he's come to know of Shawns but a confident I know what I'm doing. Feeling a tension now Nick coughs out. 

"Youre staring at me Shawn". 

Shawn grins, his whole face brightens and then a laugh escapes. "You've stopped calling me baby boy".

Nick clears has throat, caught of guard. "Well, I didnt think that joke was warranted now".

"Right...joke" Shawn shakes his head . "Is that what is was Nick, ". Shawn mocks. " "A joke" 

Shawn stares Nick directly in his eyes and softly grins. The thing is Shawn knows he's physically beautiful, but he always suppresses that part of himself and focuses on being kind. But he decides that he will use it now and begins walking toward Nick, he can recognises the confusion in the Jonas brother. He likes this, hes geeting enjoyment that Nick is thrown off. There is a power he likes about this, he decideds now he will take control. 

"Yeh" Nick stutters. "it was just a game, to embarrass you". Nick tries to back away. But he comes to a sudden stop when he hits the sofa.

"Games " Shawn nods. "I've played too many games tonight Nick , maybe we should play something else". Shawn is standing inches away from Nick now , he can hear his breathing and looks at him, staring at his lips.

"Shawn maybe we should call it a night, i should go" Nick gently speaks.

"Do you Nick...Do you want to go." shawn asks while slowly reaching for Nicks shirt. Nick is surprised, he feels unsure of himself now and not in control of anything. The rooms energy has changed and its charged with electricity. Both boys are quietly watching each other. Shawns hans touch the tip of Nicks collar and his fingers unbutton the top one if his shirt. Shawn breathes out and whispers. 

"I'm going to kiss you now Nick...ive never kissed a man before, but you know that, thats why you tried to make me feel uncomfortable when you were flirting with me at dinner"

Nick swallows out "What, no...i wasn't trying to flirt with you."

Shawn laughs at Nicks uncomfortableness. And continues to look Nick in the eye. 

Shawn knows know he's in control. "Do I scare you Nick"

"No!" Nick quickly says , but is unsure of his own answer.

"Good" Shawn muses as he begins to unbutton the rest of his shirt. Nicks head is spinning, he's not sure where he lost control of the situation. His mind is finding it difficult to process everything. He's tried for the longest time to suppress his feelings for Shawn as he was so young when they met. He's even made up excuses over the years why they shouldn't hang out as friends as the boy always brought out feelings he didn't want to have. But here, now he cant fight and the boy is no longer a boy. Nick watches Shawns hands take off his shirt and asks. 

"Shawn are you sure about this, I mean, you are just doing this because you're hurt"

Shawn smirks, then leans into Nicks ear and whispers. "Would you like to hurt me Nick". Then looks back into Nicks eyes.

"Fuck Shawn, you're killing me". And then roughly grabs Shawns wrist and pulls at the Canadian and violently kisses him.

They push and grab at each other. It is rough, there is no tenderness, its not love. But what there is, is passion and a need to make the pain go away. At this very moment what they have is a need for each other, to feel something other than the events of tonignt. 

Shawn wants to drown the agony of Niall and Nick wants to be wanted for himself, not Nick Jonas the Star. He knows shawns sees him as a person and likes him for who he is. They have a shared intimacy of each other and trust one another, that is hard to have when you are who they are.

"You are sexy Shawn". Nick admits. "I just realised that you're a man, I guess I always saw you as a kid"

Shawn grabs Nicks hand and pushes it on his groin. Nick immediately feels how hard Shawns cock is through his jeans. 

"Ok, I get it youre a man"  
Laughs Nick.

Shawn arches his eye brow

"As I said before I've never been with a man, you need to tell me what you like and ill tell you what I like"

"Deal !" Nick says

Shawn grabs nick again and kisses him and they begin to undress each other. Once all their clothes have dropped to the floor Shawn breaks away and asks.

"Will you suck my cock Nick.

Nick immediately connects with Shawns body and begins to lightly lick his nipple with his tongue, illiciting a soft moan from Shawns lips. He continues to explore the sculped body of the taller boy until his mouth ends circling his public hair. Shawns cock is fully erect now and leaking pre-cum. Hes running his large hands through Nicks hair now, then he feels Nicks full lips engulf his dick. He breathes out.

"Fuck Nick, that feels so good" 

Nick drops to his knees and starts to service Shawn, sucking in and out on his thick uncut cock. His mind his confused, he had always been the aggressors when he had his infrequent liaisons with guys. It was about power, but now at this moment its about giving Shawn pleasure. He wants Shawn to feel good, he wants to take away his pain.

Nick is surprised he is also enjoying the act of giving, its intimate and sensual, he doesnt think he ever felt that with a guy before. He wants Shawn to cum, he is using his tongue to lick his cock up and down. He hears Shawn moan uncontrollably and it turns him on. Fuck he thinks he will bust just by giving Shawn head. 

Shawn Grabs Nick by the hair and motions for him to stand. He rises up and Shawn kisses him again. Shawn pulls away and forceably pushes him on the sofa. Nicks mind is all a jumble, all he can think is where did the innocent boy he knew go. 

"Your turn Nicki"

Shawn slowly runs his tattoed hand up Nicks thigh all along keeping eye contact. Then his large calloused hands start wrapping around Nicks cock, he's squeezes it to see the veins throb. He smiles with a hint of a blush that spreads across his cheeks. 

"Jesus Shawn that feels good"

"Good, tell me how this feels".

shawn then lowers his mouth onto Nicks leaking cock and takes it in his mouth amd begings sucking. He slow at first to get a Rhythm but his mind takes over and he goes up and down doing what he would like be done to him. When he's nearly engulfed most of Nicks shaft he hears Nick moan loadly. He hears him swear his name. Shawn smiles to himself, while he is working on Nicks cock he angles himself so he can look directly into Nicks eyes. They meet and Shawn can see the euphoria written on his friends face. He slowly releases while using his tongue to lick around his foreskin.

"You like that Nick" 

"Fuck yeah, I'm close". Nick admits.

Shawn stands and holds out his hand and Nick looks gently at Shawn and offers his hand and his led to the Bedroom. As they eneter Shawn looks down at the ground then says.

"You can do anything you want to me Nick"

Nick grabs Shawns chin so he can look at him. "What I want to do is love you Shawn, even if its for one night".

Shawn blushes, then leans in and lovingly kisses Nick and then closes the door.

Morning Light peaks through the drapes and wakes Shawn. His body is wrapped around Nick Jonas, who's light breahting escapes his mouth. Shawn can feel the muslcles in his back move as the air goes in and out. He likes its and admits Nick feels good underneath him. 

Shawns mind re-plays the nights events. He and Nick explored every part of each other, neither were self conscious. He did things he never did before. He fucked and got fucked and he liked it. Only one problem remained, it only took away the pain of Niall for the night. His reality hadn't changed.

His mind sees Niall, a tear escapes and runs down his cheek as he remembers the way Niall hurt him. The last moments of that night come into view. He sees himself there and that question that was meant to break him. But Shawn decided he wouldn't allow Niall break him. He wipes the tear away and thinks of the answer he whisperd to Niall. "No, i haven't fucked Nick, but by tomorrow I will know every inch of him". He's unsure why he said it, but he was compelled and wanted to see the look on Nialls face. He recognised the shock from Niall immediately but couldn't read its meaning. What he did know was that he had so much anger searing through his body that he wanted to lash out.


	5. The day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All seems lost, Shawn has exacted his plan to sleep with Nick, hoping to hurt Niall, but in the end lost part of himself in the process

The water cascades over Shawn while he stands motionless in the shower stall. His wet hair covers his eyes and his breathing is shallow. He doesn't want to think of anything, he doesn't want to feel anything. He reaches out to hold the sides of the shower as the hot water starts to burn his skin but he doesn't make a move he stays and accepts the pain. He hears a noise and then hears his name being called, his head tilts up and he turns toward the voice. He moans out a quiet sigh and turns the water off. He open the the glass door and steps out. He grabs the towel off the rack and dries his hair.

walkikg out of the washroom naked with the towel draped casually over his shoulder. He sees the dark haired boy in the hallway .

"You called Nick".

Nick stares at Shawn standing there, wet and naked.

Nick swallows audibly and a pink hue spreads across his cheeks. Shawn chuckles. 

"Jesus Nick, you've seen evey part of my body and you've had most of it in your mouth, don't get embarrassed now".

"Who are you". Nick says amazed. "You aren't the Shawn Mendes I knew".

"Fuck Nick you still see me as a 15 year old boy, I'm 22 , I'm just ..." shawn doesn't finish the sentence, he doesn't really know who is now either.

Nick nods, still looking at his naked body, he realises Shawn is a man and how beautiful he truly is.

Shawn struts up to Nick and bends down and lightly kisses him on his cheek as he heads to the bedroom.

"Stop staring at my ass Nick" shawn says sarcastically as he passes.

Nick shakes his head and follows.

"Hey". Nick questions and looks down, "You alright about last Night, I know you did it because of Niall".

Shawn turns and a little sigh escapes. "I was hurt last night, but I wanted you Nick, I wanted you and everything thing we did, don't worry". 

"I'm not worried but just want to know you"re alright"

"I'm good Nick, in fact I'm glad my first time was with you, we understand each other and I trust you".

Nick smiles "Are you sure you don't wish it was Niall". 

Shawn winces and he clears his throat. "You're a smart boy Nick" he smirks "You picked up quickly on my feelings for Niall, but whatever they are or were are in the past. "

"No" Nick argues. "I picked up Nialls feelings for you, he was so obvious, the look when I hugged you, his leaving and avoiding you all night, jesus Shawn he couldn't keep his eyes off you".

Standing quiet Shawn takes the information in, he feels sick now, his mind races with this new knowledge. No, Niall can't like him, he never picked up any of the signs. Shawn shakes it out of his head, throws the towel on the bed and regains his composure. He looks at Nick with a lack of emotion .

"Well if that's the case I was unaware, and it doesn't matter anyway, what he did, he wanted to hurt me, so fuck him". 

Shawn turns around and reaches for a pair of underwear and pulls them on adjusting himself for comfort.

Nick watches the detachment on Shawns face, it scares him a little, he walks over and touches his shoulder. Shawn turns toward Nick.

"Talk to him Shawn, I think you guys need to work this out".

"Nothing left to say really Nicki, I answered his question when I whispered in his ear last night "

Nick looks confused then asks. "what did you whisper".

Shawn smirks while he dresses "I told him the truth and was honest, I told him we never fucked".

"Good" Nick expresses

There's a silence as Shawn turns to look at himself in the mirror, as he's staring he catches Nicks eye, they lock on each other.As they stare at each other through the mirror Shawn dry says 

"Then I let him know, by morning I would know every inch of you". 

He confidently turns to face Nick and sees the shocked look on his face. 

"Dont look so surprised Nick, you were never in charge of what was going to happen". Shawn laughs out. 

"Once Niall caused that scene, I decided then and their we'd fuck". 

Nick feltl that sting. He was a prop to make another person jealous. "So, I was just a Fuck then, you were playing your own game on Niall with me".

Shawn shrugs and moves close to Nick. He can feel his body heat, He stares at his eyes then his lips.<

"Did you want to fuck me Nick"

He sees Nick quietly swallow and then blink.

"Do you want to fuck me now" shawn tenderly asks.

Staring at Shawns lips, his mind is all confused by everything he is saying. He shakes his head "No, not now".

Shawn moves in swiftly and kisses him passionately, Nick hates it but he kisses back, the boy has him trapped. They slowly break but only inches separate them when when shawn whispers.

"We both got what we wanted, I like you and you like me, so what if I used you a bit in the process. It doesn't take away from the fact that we wanted each other, and i did want you Nick".

Nick moves from shawns embrace, surprise painted on his face. He slinks away but his eyes remain on the taller boy. "Ive got to go Shawn". He stutters

Shawn sees Nicks distressed and didn't mean to upset him. He swiftly bridges the distance between them and corners Nick by the foot of his bed. He reaches out to touch him but Nick recoils and shawn head drops and he quietly speaks

"Don't be mad at me Nick, I just wanted to feel something, I've been sad for so long and you made me feel special, like I mattered to someone".

Shawns plea hit Nick, he felt the boys pain. The wall he was trying to rebuild around his heart was collapsing, this kid was screwing with his mind. He slowly reached out to touch Shawn. He raised Shawns chin with his hand and looked deep in his eyes.

"You're going to fuck me up, arent you Shawn". The resignation in Nicks voice echoed in the room.

Shawn leaned his body into Nicks and put his full lips to Nicks ear then smiled.  
"Probably". Shawn sighed. "But i won't mean too".


	6. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shawn's spiralling and he now has to deal with a needy Nick and a chance encounter with Niall. His life has never been this out of control. He has a decision to make.

He sees another message flash on his screen, Naill is relentless, its been a week and he's called or texted several times each day. He never answers and he's pushed his feelings down so much so that he's starting to believe he doesnt care. And he convinces himself that he doesn't answer on principle, which is another lie. 

And then there is the issue of Nick, things are getting complicated. They've seen each other every night this week. Well seen is an overstatement. They dont hang or go out. They Fuck, nothing more, but he thinks Nick wants more or maybe thats another lie he tells himself, that someone wants him. 

He's beginning to spiral, he doesn't recognise himself now, and is surprised how easy it was to get to this place, where he's numb to everything. Its the over-thinking thats gets to him, he decides that it needs to stop. 

Getting up from his bed, he looks at the clock, only 10 am, he thought it was later. He can still smell and taste Nick on him, but he heads to the living room instead of the shower. Pouring a whiskey and Ginger he downs it in one gulp. Bringing his head level again he sees his reflection in the mirror. He pours another drink and raises his glass to the mirror "Cheers Shawn, you're a fucking star" he says mocking as he takes another drink. 

The phone rings again. "Fuck" he breathes out . Its not Niall.

He picks up and hears Nick talk, he answers "I'm busy Nick" saying dryly . " No, Not tonight".

Nicks pleading now but he doesn't care.

"I know you leave tomorrow but I have plans". He can hear the defensiveness in Nicks voice now.

"No, its not Niall" . He states....."i know I won't see you for awhile"

He listens as Nick is getting frustrated. He nods and then takes in a breath.

"Listen Nick were not boyfriends, we fuck, lets not make this anything more than it is...please"

Shawn hears the click and then the silence. Nicks is not used to being ignored, but Shawn is not used to being a prick so it evens out.

He's standing in the middle of the livingroom, barely clothed , 2 drinks in. The fact is he has no plans, hes just incapable of seeing anyone, he knows his anxiety is taking over and he needs to be alone. Its going to be a long night. 

He used to call Niall when he got like this in L.A. Niall was aware of his struggle and would talk him through or come over and just sit with him. But he doesn't have Niall now and is afraid he will get so lost he'll call him, and he won't be able to stop himslef. So he grabs the bottle of whiskey and heads back to bed, hoping to drink the day away.

Its been hours and he's drunken enough to numb the voices in his head but it hasn't taken away the hate he has for himself. He can feel the tears coming, and his body doesn't feel right, he wants out of his skin. He takes another drink and then pulls the covers over his head. His breathing is  
becomeing erratic and he's struggling with any sort of control. His tears are falling silently now, like he's trying to hide them from someone but there's only him. He doesn't wipe them away, he lets them fall hoping it will break him enough to fall asleep. But he knows down deep they won't, he'll replay everything over and over in his head for hours. 

That's when he hears it, the doorbell. He wraps the blankets tighter and wishes who is ever on the otherside of the door away. The bell chimes again, and again he ignores it. He knows they will go away soon. Finally silence, his mind breathes a sigh of relief. He needs to piss and makes his way to the wasroom. Once he finishes he sees himself in the mirror, he looks lost. His hair is a tangle of curls, hes stood in just his underwear and he smells of alcohol and sex. He wonders if this is the lowest he's ever been, he really didn't need to wonder, he knew automatically it was. 

Making his way back to the bedroom he walks down the hallway and his heart sinks. He stands motionless staring at the boy before him. His mind is racing. He doesnt know what to do. There is silence for a minute as both of them stare. Shawn thinks this will be what breaks him completely and the tears start again.

"Oh no Shawnie please don't cry". Concern coming from Niall.

"You can't be here" shawn tries to say while pushing through his tears.

"Shawnie please, I need you not to hate me, what i did, was awful" Niall apologizes but then sees that Shawn is struggling. He instinctively knows his anxiety has taken over and that Shawn is barely hanging on. 

"Youre not alright, you need help". Nialls says as he rushes toward Shawn.

"I dont need your help" he tries to say sternly, but Niall is beside him hugging him. And Shawn needs to be hugged and he embraces the irish boy with all his power. The tears are flowing now and he can feel himself get weak. Niall props him up and gently leads him to the bedrom. 

I'm not leaving you Shawn, you can hate me, but right now at this moment I'm going to take care of you"

Shawn looks sadly at Niall and just nods.

Niall lays the younger boy in the bed and can see marks over much of his near naked body and neck, he knows what they are, and looks around at the scene before him. He can tell Shawn had someone here. There are glasses on either side of the bed and discarded condom wrappers. He pushes it all down and focuses on helping Shawn. He grabs the whisky bottle and leaves the room. He comes back 5 minutes later with tea and toast and a glass of water. He sets it down on the side table. They boy's don't talk. Niall goes about cleaning the room of the telltale signs of the other person. Once he's done he turns to look at Shawn. "Eat some toast and drink". 

Shawn stares and knows that Niall could see that Nick had been there, that they had been intimate. They don't acknowledge anything, instead Shawn nods and does as directed. After finishing Niall tells Shawn to try and get some rest. Niall grabs the guitar in the corner and starts to play and then quietly sings some sad irish folk songs until he sees Shawn fall asleep. Niall stares at the sleeping boy.

He's was heartbroken when he saw the state he was in. Niall knows he did this and he must make it better. Niall doesn't leave his side and sleeps in the chair all night. 

Niall moans awake and looks over and sees that shawn is still sleeping. He looks at his watch and it reads 7:14 am. Niall quietly gets up, a bit sore and makes his way to the washroom. He cleans himself up a bit. He finds a stack of about 20 new toothbrushes and chuckles to himself. This kid is always brushing his teeth. His smile fades away as he's looking at himself in the mirror. Hes not sure what he feels. He caused so much of this and then there's the pain of knowing about Nick and Shawn. His mind is telling him to leave but he knows they need to talk. shawn deserves that. 

He makes his way to the kitchen and decides to make breakfast for him. Hes only been here a handful of times and not sure where everything is located. After some searching he starts preparing eggs, toast and coffee. The house is quiet but then he hears the shower running. 

Niall places the the food on the plates and then sets the table, he's nervous now as hes not sure what state Shawn will be in and if he even knows that he's still here. He decides to knock on the washroom door to tell him and that he made breakfast. As he turns the corner shawn is exiting and their bodies crash into each other . 

Nialls face hits Shawns chest and he quicky backs away. The surprise of banging into each other is now replaced by the fact that shawn is completely naked and they just stare at each.

Niall averts his eyes.

"Sorry Shawn, I was just coming to tell you about breakfast". 

looking at the ground he hears  
Shawns voice.

" It's ok I thought you left....just a sec". 

Niall doesnt feel Shawns presence anymore and looks up and then Shawn back out from the washroom, this time wrapped in a towel.

"I'll just wait for you in the Kitchen". Niall says a little confused. And then he turns and heads back. He sat at the table waiting and his mind see's Shawns naked body. Its all too much. He thinks he should leave then he hears shawn walking, then he enters the kitchen. Dressed in black sweat pants and a grey hoodie. His hair still damp and the curls fall loosely everywhere. He looks angelic and Niall can smell the shampoo fill the room. He wonders if shawn is actually aware how physically beautiful he is. 

"Sorry about that Niall". shawn whispers, embarrassmemt obvious on his face.

"What ...no its your house, you didnt know I was here... I walk around my house naked too"

They're both blushing and shawn sits across from Niall. 

"Thanks for the breakfast, you didnt have too". Shawn says without looking at Niall.

"I wanted to make sure you were ok". Niall comments.

They eat quietly and the silence is awkward. They finish and remain sat there, still no words are spoken and neither can look directly at the other.  
Niall clears his throat, his mind is racing and he needs to talk. He finally looks at Shawn and then quickly Says "Shawn" .

Shawn looks at Niall, his eyes are sad and Naill wants to make it better.

"Yes" Shawn answers. 

"What I did, it was awful ...Im so sorry Shawnie" Niall pleads.

Shawns head is bowed embarrassed, his emotions are all over the place. He hurts so much. He finally gets up the nerve to ask.

"What did I do Niall" Fear in his eyes, not sure he could handle the answer. He lifts his head to meet Nialls eyes and continues "Why don't you like me anymore".

Nialls body reacts to Shawn's questions. A heaviness pushes down on him. He hates that Shawn thinks he did something wrong, that Niall doesn't like him.

"No Shawn, you've done nothing. I've been awful". Niall becomes quiet, he looks down again, he has to make him understand. He looks up again. 

"I dont know how to explain it, there's just something about you. A decency that pours out that makes me uncomfortable. And when I'm around you I get nervous, like if I get to close ill destroy it. Then there are times, when you dont notice me looking and all I see is a sadness and I just want to take it away. You're alaways in my head and you won't leave and its breaking me".

"Niall, I dont understand" Shawn says.

Niall swallows, he closes his eyes and thinks to himself, just say it Niall, then he pushes out  
" I like you ok, I mean I really like you, like I want to kiss you and touch you".

Its done, he's said it, he doesn't have to hide it any longer. However he just needs to open his eyes now and face Shawn.

His eyes open, he cant read the look on Shawn's face. The room is quiet. "Fuck" Niall thinks, just say something Shawn. 

"But then why did you always try to hurt me". Shawn questions as his voice quivers.

"I dont know, it was all new and confusing and it just all came out wrong" Niall explains.  
"And I was scared you would hate me if you knew and I dont know what I'd do if you didn't like me"

"Jesus Niall, I thought you hated me because you figured out I liked you" 

"Right" Niall nods dumbfounded. "So I liked you and you liked me all this time".

They sit there for a few moments considering what all this means. Shawn puts his elbows on the table then allows his head to fall into his hands. Niall watches as Shawn runs his hands though his head. He looks likes he trying to rub away a headache.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" Shawn utters under his breath. Niall sees the boys mind is struggling. "What's wrong" Niall asks tentatively.

Shawn lifts his head and glares at Niall "Whats wrong, are you kidding me Niall, you know what's wrong" Shawn stands like he's a caged animal. 

Niall cocks his head feeling like he missed something and looks confused at Shawn.

Shawn reads Niall then walks closer, and looks him squarely in the eyes then pulls off his hoodie. He stands there, exposing the nail scratches and Hickeys that litter his body. "Im Fucking Nick Jonas" shawn spits outs. "But you know this, you seen the evidence all over my body".

"I know" Niall says in mutted voice, then looks away from Shawns naked body. "I don't expect anything Shawn, I mean, you probably hate me for everything"

Shawn feels dirty and exposed, he covers back up. He falls back down in the chair.  
"I dont hate you Niall, Jesus , don't you get it, I like you too and we've made a bloody mess of everything".

"What do we do now". Niall breathes out.

Shawn shakes his head "I dont know Niall, I need some time to clear my head ....and there are other considerations now".

"Right, definitely.....Well umm, i should go then". Niall stutters out unsuredly. Standing quickly, Niall looks again at Shawn, then silently makes his way out the front door. 

Shawn can't take it all in, he rises from the chair and walks to the livingroom and falls on the sofa, wishing the last couple months would miraculously disappear. In reality he wishes he could disappear. He covers his eyes with his arm and his mind keeps repeating "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck".


	7. The Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn's world is crumbling faster than he thought. He has a choice to make and now a scandle that could ruin his career. He wants it all to end but doesnt know how it will.

He has not moved since Niall left. Silently sitting on his sofa blankly staring at his livingroom wall for the past hour. He's struggling to make sense of any of it. There is too much information in his head to process and he's getting a pounding headache.

He keeps repeating it over and over and his mind is confused. There is Niall and his feelings, which are new, as just yesterday he thought the Irishman didn't like him. Then there is Nick and his feelings, which are also new, and at the moment he's in some sort of relationship with him. Which was a product of Niall not liking him, but now Niall likes him. And he likes Niall, but he's involved with Nick, but he likes Nick too, he thinks. And he hasn't even addressed the fact that he's now attracted to men and what that means. 

"Fuck" he moans, but it doesn't help. Its the only word he's said in the last couple of hours. And its apt as he's totally fucked and he knows it. 

He's wonders how not to hurt anyone. But he has a sinking feeling his life is about to emplode. He lets out a long sigh and physically wants to start disappear. He thinks he could give up music and move back home to Canada, maybe to a small town and just shut the world out. He breathes hard and feels his stomach knot up. 

His mind snaps out of it when his phone buzzes. Looking at the display. He hits answer. 

"Hi Andrew, what up" Shawn asks.

Shawn moves the phone from his ear as the yelling is too loud.

"Calm down Andrew, I didnt hear what you said". Shawn says, startled by his Manager, as never displayed upset like this. But Shawn is starting to understanding why.

Shawn tries to explain, but its all a jumble now, because he's not sure he can properly.

"They have pictures of what" Shawn questions. 

"No, it was a harmless dinner, he was picking off lint from my jacket" Shawn states.

"Andrew there is no pictures of us kissing, we didnt kiss, Nick is my friend and friend only". 

Shawns confused how TMZ got pictures of him and Nick, he didnt see any paparazzi when they left the restaurant.

"Send them" Shawn demands.

6 pictures are texted and viewed out of context look like an intimate moment. He and Nick staring at each other intently, bodies almost touching. He admits to himself that they look very sexual. Shawns heart drops and then puts the phone back to his ear. 

"I dont care, call whoever you want, Do what you have to to spin this, but Andrew its nothing". He lets out another big sigh.

"I'll call you back Andrew". 

But its not nothing and now ontop of his messy love life his professional life is colliding. He's unsure what to do, but he expects an onslaught of headlines and questions. He thinks he can handle those, its the conversations with Nick and Niall now that are now more complicated.

The next couple of hours is damage control, shawns team have down played the story, citing two close friends having dinner, nothing more. 

Nick was suppose to fly out tomorrow for the European part of his tour, which Shawn thinks is a godsend. But Nick nor his team have responded or acknowledged the story.

Shawns been trying to call Nick, but he's not answering. He understands Nick is probably mad about their conversation yesterday, but this needs attention. 

His doorbell rings and Shawn tenses and stops in his tracks. He questions if the paparazzi know his address. He changes AirBnbs eveytime he comes to L.A. He moves silently to the livingroom window and peeks out the drapes. He sees no cars and he partially makes out a body at the door. He quietly moves, and looks through the peephole. 

"Fucker" he lets out in exasperation and quickly opens the door. As it swings open Shawn hides his head and discretly beckons.

"Get in here ".

Nick slips in and Shawn closes the door as quick as he can. As he turns he can see a smirk on Nicks face.

"Hey Baby boy, I guess you have time to see me now".

"Is this a joke to you Nick".

"My feelings aren't a joke Shawn".

"Jesus Nick there are a bunch of reporters out there trying to ruin us and say we're in a relationship". Exasperation in his voice 

Nick shoots Shawn a surprised look."Have you forgotten shawn, we've fucked all over this place". Nick pushes. 

Shawn looks at Nick, trying to read him. "What is it with you and Niall, both of you want to hurt me, am I that bad"

Nick drops his head, the reality of it all rushing at him  
"Sorry". Nick breathes out as he rubs his head. "Its ...fuck...i can't get you out of my head Shawn and its driving me nuts". He leans up against the wall, trying to brace himself from these feelings that are playing havoc with him. "I'm never like this, I never get this attached, But ...You're The first person that makes my feel, I dont know, like myself."

Shawn slumps down to the floor and sits back against the wall. He turns his head up to look at Nick "I really like you too Nick, and I'm sorry for being distant, my life is a total wreck at the moment and I dont think its going to get better anytime soon".

Nick knowingly nods his head and slinks down to the ground. "I never want to hurt you Shawn".

Shawn breathes out a smile.  
"I know, but we're in a big mess"

Nick moves his head in agreement as he pulls out his phone and begings to go to work. Shawn watches him and wonders what he's doing, he's about to open his mouth and ask but Nick holds up his finger.  
"Just a sec".

Once hes finished he closes his phone. Looks at Shawn

"it may take a bit". 

"What are you talking about Nick" Shawn asks confused.

"Open your Instagram".  
Nick smiles.

Shawn grabs his phone and opens his App. First hes sees all the pictures implying a relationship with Nick.

"Go to mine silly, last post" Nick remarks.

Shawn searches and finds it. He looks at Nicks post. He sees a picture with nick and a beautiful woman, who has her hands all over Nick and his hand on her ass. The picture has the date stamped on it for last night.

Shawn turns to look at Nick, a feeling is forming in his stomach, he knows he should be happy as this is evidence that Nick is seemingly in a relationship. But he looks at the ground and whispers

"Did you sleep with her". Jealousy obvious in his tone.

"Does it matter" Nick questions .

Shawn shoots Nick a look, trying to hide his feelings.

"Yes, it matters to me ". He admits

"No, I was mad and ended up at this bar. I tried to put you out of my mind, but it didnt work, I just went home alone amd angry".

"I dont know what to do Nick".

"This should stop the questions". Nick states

"No, not about that" Shawn Sighs. "I saw Niall, he told me he likes me, hes always liked me. And I've made a mess out of everything". Shawn turns to stare into Nicks eyes but he looks away. 

"I like Niall, I have for such a long time but the surprise is i like you too, I got jealous seeing the picture of her". 

"Oh" Nick responds.

Shawn starts to lightly bang his head on the wall behind him. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck". He continues to repeat.

"You're going to hurt yourself, please stop" Nicks asks quietly.

Shawn stops and turns to look at Nick. "Tell me what to do" He begs.

Nick smiles and slowly gets up and walks to the other side of the room and offers his hand. Shawn reaches for the boy and is pulled up off the floor. They stand stand next to each other and Nick runs his hand up Shawns neck and lightly sweeps his hair off his face. "God you"re beautiful". He smiles out.

Shawn bluses and Nick turns to walk to the door. As he begins to open it to leave, shawn pushes it closed and turns Nick around and pushes him up against the wall. They're pressed up against each other now. 

"Its too much Shawn, I've got to leave". Nicks begging now.

Shawns head is spinning and instinctively he kisses Nick. They moan as their passion starts spilling over. Shawn leans out of their kiss and pleads. "Stay".

Nick shakes his head. "You're going to hurt me Shawn, I know you won't mean too, but you will". 

"No ones getting out of this happy Nick". Shawn explains

"But for one night, we can drown in our own misery. At least we can have that"

Nick looks at the boy before him, sad and beautiful, begging to feel something other than pain."

Nick leans in and resigns himself to the fact that he has one final night with a boy he could have loved. 

Nick swallows and quickly moves and kisses Shawn. They claw at each other. Both become more physical than they had before. Its rough and needy, like they have a want to destroy each other. Each wants control, shawn grabs Nick and forcibly pushes him against the wall. They gaze intensely at each other. They know it will be their last night without saying it. And they plan to take their pain out on each other. 

Shawn directs them to the bedroom, on his way he unbuckkes his belt and folds it and slaps his hand so it makes a cracking sound. Nick arches his eyebrow and looks at Shawn but doesn't say a word, instead he instinctively rips off his t-shirt like hes expecting to be punished. As Nick enters the bedrom, Shawn orders Nick to lay on the bed, then he closes the door.


	8. The waking up is the hardest part.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn is falling deeper into a depression that he cant seem to escape from. His pain is only increased by how he feels for Nick and Niall. And he's using Nivk as a distraction, but its only hurting both of them. He needs to face both boys.

Slowly opening his eyes, a sinking feeling overtakes him. He tries to focus but his mind drifts to last night, quietly he turns to wrap his arms around Nick. He's met with an empty bed. No Nick, no sound, nothing. He knew he would be gone, that he wouldn't stay. Now realising what the feeling was, emptiness. Rolling on his back he stares at the ceiling trying to focus, but its blurry, he rubs his eye but tears hinders his vision.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part". The lyric repeats in his head, and its tearing him spart. 

He doesn't know what to do anymore. The night was a closure of sorts. It couln't continue, he knew that. Not because he couldn't love Nick, he does love Nick, in his way. But whatever they were happened as a reaction to his hurt from Niall. Its not fair to Nick to know that, he deserves more, more than he can give, and he's got nothing left to give anyway. 

Sitting up, he wonders if he will ever feel better. He's scared and wants to fall back asleep, to forget. But he doesn't, he's just stewing in the messiness of it all. 

He knows he has to face Niall and deal with the pain of that. The heartbreak remains from how Niall treated him. He does love him, like properly loves him, but he's not totally sure he trusts him not to hurt him again. And the fact is, he's not even sure Niall wants him after finding out about Nick. 

"No". he mutters. "Fuck him". Niall doesnt have the right to have any opinion about him and Nick. He's both mad and spiralling and he knows it. He needs to refocus. He forces himself to sit up and he wills himself to start the day. He wonders what its like to be happy, he hasn't felt anywhere close to that in so long.

Walking down the hallway he feels defeated, he sighs as he enters the washroom, then steps into the shower. He barely has the desire to soap his body. He tries to complete the task but he's mostly lets the water fall on him. He gives up and turns the water off and idley stands their until he realises he's getting cold. Exhaling, he walks out of the stall and finds a towel and dries himself off haphazardly. Looking at himself in the mirror he knows he ususlly puts more effort into being presentable. But he doesn't have it in him. So, he just shakes his head to loosen his curls and then heads to the bedroom. 

Sitting on the end of the bed he picks up the jeans he wore the night prior and puts them on. He looks at the dresser and then looks down at the discarded t-shirt from last night crumpled on the floor. He grabs it and smells, he doesn't care its not clean and pulls it over his head. Standing now, he realises he didnt put on deodorant or underwear. He cant be bothered and looks around for his trainers, once he locates them he remembers he needs socks, this annoys him. He opens his drawer and grabs the first pair that his hands touch. Finally dressed he grabs the keys to his SUV. He has no destination but needs coffee, he thinks he should eat but doesn't feel hungry, he isn't sure the last time it was he ate, actually he doesnt care.

Realising he is at the coffee shop 10 minutes from Nialls place a pit starts developing in his stomach. He settles back into his SUV and takes a huge gulp from his coffee. 

Unaware that young girls are circling his Land Rover and taking pictures, he then clues in and knows he can't manage faking a smile or talking. Turning the ignition on he starts to pull away, then he recognises the paparazzi 10 metres away. They're taking pictures with a telephoto lens. Focusing on the paparazzi car following behind him, he drives down a familar Canyon road. He's mere meters from Nialls driveway and he knows if he turns in he will lose the car following him but it will also force a meeting with the one person he doesn't think he can see today. Making the decision to quickly turn in he parks in the usual place. 

Staring at Nialls house he turns off the engine. 10 minutes pass and he thinks maybe he can just turn and leave as he sees no movement. Then his phones buzzes and he looks down at the text and reads.

"Come in ".

A despondent sigh escapes his mouth as he studies the text, a million scenarios fill his head, all ending tragic. Then another text pops up. 

"Please ".

Closing his phone, he brushes the curls off his face and surveys the house then closes his eyes and mumbles.

"Well, I suppose it can't get worse".

Knowing the only thing getting him through now is a tiny shred of hope that he and Niall would be okay. But his his fear is that they would crash and burn. If that happened he would have nothing left, he wouldn't be the same person, and us scared what he might do to himself. 

Arriving at the door his intial thought is to ring the bell, instead he turns the handle and walks inside. Not seeing Niall he makes his way to the livingroom. His eyes adjusts to the scene before him, Niall's sat in a far corner chair, nervousness displayed on his face. This seems wrong somehow, Niall is always on the sofa comfortably watching Golf, but he looks out of place.

Stoping when he makes eye contact. Both stare, no words are exchanged. Niall stands unceremoniously and remains still. Seeing Niall is too much for him, he can feel the emotions come, bowing his head, wanting it all to go away.

That's when he feels it, Nialls arms forcefully wrap around him, squeezing him tightly. It takes a few seconds for his mind to process the feel of Niall on him. Once his mind accepts what's happening he Falls into Nialls embrace. He Hugs the Irish boy back and doesnt want to let go. His heart is beating so loud its difficult to focus. He feels the wetness from Nialls tears on his shoulder and his breathing is quick and rapid. Never having witnessed Niall cry before makes his heart sad. They remain entwined until all emotions release.

"Im sorry". Niall utters before pulling away "For everything".

Niall's wipes the last of his tears on his sleeve.

"How I treated you and the things I said. I'm not asking for you to forgive me but I just needed you to know how lovely and perfect you are". 

Nialls words punctured him like a knife and he wants to go back to how they were. But his gaze fell to the ground, he becomes silent, all the pain is still there, locked deep inside. 

His words come out weak at first. 

"Those things you said at your party". He shifts his body uncomfortbly and then swallows, his throat dry, but speaks anyway.

"You wanted to humiliate me". He wasnt sure if he meant it as a question or a statement, but he saw Nialls face when he finished.

Niall eyes shifted, acknowleding everything thing with a tiny nod. Words were difficult now.

"Yes" Niall quietly mumbled. Shame filling the room as he answered. He wasn't sure if he should say anything else as he could feel Shawns hurt. 

"I know its no excuse, but when i saw you with him". Amitted Niall, unable to say his name.

"A jealousy and need to lash out took over....I've liked you for so long Shawn, and when I saw you two together something in me wanted to hurt you and him and everyone really".

"Niall" Shawn uttered faintly.

"You frightened me, i never thought you, of anyone in my life would do that to me and I'm scared you will do it again".

Shawn was nervous now, but a weight was lifted, he said it, he didnt keep how he felt locked inside. He wasnt sure what Nialls reaction would be but he needed to say it out loud, Niall had to hear how he is scared of how he could treat him in the future.

"Shawn" Niall gulped  
"I hate myself for what I did".

Lowering his voice Niall admitting.

"I'm so confused with my feelings for you, i don't want to Love you , but I guess there it is, i can't stop it and I thought maybe if I destroyed us maybe I'd be free, but I'm not free, I just hurt you and Nick and me".

The room filled with silence and both boys stood searching each others eyes.

"Niall, I would be shattered if I lost you. You have no idea what you mean to me". Still holding Nialls gaze, Shawn narrowed his eyes and wanted him to understand.

"I think i may love you, But I would walk away from you if you ever did that again, even if it meant breaking me".

As soon as Shawn finished the sentence he reached out for Niall and hugged him, hoping to ease some of the emotion of the day. Niall fell into the embrace.

While holding Niall, Shawn took a chance and asked.

"I know there are things we need to discuss, and i need more time to heal, but I want there to be an us Niall , if you do" .

Niall grabbed Shawn tighter as his tears fell onto the shoulder of the taller boy. 

"I do" Niall breathed.


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is it a happily ever after with Niall. There are still wounds that need addressing. And are there truly any winners when people feelings are in the line.

Waiting for the Red light to change he searches his phone and finds the contact, smiling he presses "Sweetheart", the bluetooth comes on and rings.

A click sounds, then the Irish voice echoes in his Land Rover. "Mo Stor". 

He blushes, he loves when Niall calls him my darling in Irish.

"Shawnie, how much longer" Niall questions.

"Sorry sweetheart". Shawn explains. 

"Traffic is a nightmare and I had to wait an extra 15 minutes for the order, "ill be home soon, maybe 20 minutes".

Niall is quiet, then shawn hears a tiny giggle and then another reply. 

"I can't celebrate a year anniversary without food and Guinness".

Rolling his eyes he grabs his headband and places it to keep the curls from hindering his eyesight.

"Listen Horan, its me you can't do without, I'm the only thing you need to celebrate our anniversary". He voices in a mocking tone.

"Ah yes, and you too, must of slipped my mind". Laughs Niall.

"Say it Niall". Shawn demands.

"Say what". Niall teases knowingly.

"You know what". Whispers the Canadian, then adds.

"Say it ...please".

There is a silence in the SUV for a brief second, then a heavy Irish accents breathes out tenderly.

"I love you".

A smile forms on his lips as he checks the mirror. He can see it in his eyes, its written all over his face. He loves the boy on the other end of the phone.

"I love you too". He mutters sweetly. "I'll be home soon".

"You better" The voice on the phone states.

He hates LA traffic and needs a distraction he turns on the radio station. Landing on KTWV - The wave 94.7 a voice announces the next song.

"So this is the newest from Nick Jonas called. "Baby Boy".

Immediately his body reacts, anxiously he fidgets, his mind is confused, the title of the song permeates his being. Just as hes trying to accept all this information, piano notes melodically sear in his ear and he knows he needs to pull over. He can't drive and process this at the same time. Finding a spot, he feels his pulse quicken. The voice comes next, Its a deep and pained tenor, the lyrics encircle him and he instinctively knows that it's telling their story. The words wash over him and he can feel Nicks Heartbreak.

Sitting, unable to move, replaying everything in his head. His body overheats and cheeks redden. Searching out the window wondering if strangers know, can they see his discomfort, what he did, how he treated Nick. 

Lowering his eyes as the song fades out, He's unsure what to do. Its been a year and he and Niall are happy, and in that time he rarely thought of Nick. But the recognition of his behaviour embarrasses  
him. But he needed to bury it, hide it away, because if he didn't he would have to actually acknowledge the person he was and how he behaved. 

He Tries to regain some semblance of composure, but other thoughts filter into his head. Nick sang the song about 2 men and didnt change the pronouns. The fans and entertainment outlets won't let that go unnoticed and the old Papparazzi pictures will resurface. Not only that, Niall will find out, of course he will. This will be a fight. His anxiety takes over now and he begins to sweat. 

"Fuck". He Sighs out. It bothers him Nick didnt tell him about the song. Its not that he had too, but it's about them and it would of been nice.

Sadness replaces his anxiety and a sinking feeling forms. He knows what it is, but he's embarrassed. He should have apologised and talked to him but instead he avoided his calls and Texts. Not knowing what to say, so he said nothing and it was wrong.

Turning the engine back on, he's confused and feels lost, he needs to get home. Instagram and Twitter will light up with this, and at some point Niall will see the remarks and hear the song, he has a couple of days tops before that happens .

Fans can't truly know, but the speculation who Nick is singing about will land on him, it always has, they are connected. He wonders what it is about them that people see. They were just friends, sure there are pictures of them displaying an intimacy as they often touched or hugged in the photos. He clears his head and doesn't want to think about this anymore. 

The ring startles him, Looking at the dashboard, the name on the display causes alarm. For a split second he debates if he should answer, but hits the button. Before he can say hello a low voice fills his SUV. 

"Hi, Baby boy". 

He can hear it in his tone, Nick's enjoying this, whatever this is. Quickly stopping the SUV again. 

"You're fucking with me Nick". Shawn sighs.

A menacing laugh fills the car.

"Oh Baby boy, You heard our song".

"Jesus Nick, this is not a joke".

"You're right Shawn, this is no joke, it's been my life for the past year".

Shawn drops his head and it all comes back, emotion fills him. Quietly shawn breathes out. 

"Why now, there's going to be questions". 

"Theres always been questions about us Shawn, People can see it, but Let's not do this over the phone." Nick sarcastically spits out.

"What do you mean". Trepidation in shawns voice.  
"Im not meeting you" 

Nick laughs again.

"Oh, I think you will Baby boy".

"Stop fucking calling me that" shawn demands.

Shawns phone pings several times as images appear on his screen.

Opening the files he sees several naked pictures of him and Nick.

"A memento I kept of our last night, you are beautiful when you sleep Shawn, and you're naked body, perfection."

"Jesus, You fucker". Venom spews from Shawns voice.

"You took pics of me without my consent"

"Seems that way"

"What do you want from me " Shawn asks nervously.

"Room 904, Château Marmont tomorrow 7 pm." Nick states emotionless, then clicks off the line. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck". Shawn yells as he's hitting his steering wheel. Willing himself to calm down, he needs to think, but eveythings a mess. Okay get home, he repeats in his head. He decides if he should tell Niall. He's afraid what Niall would do to Nick. He dismisses it, he can't tell him just yet, but now knows he has to see Nick, reason with him. 

"Are you all right love" Niall inquires as he looks at the clock.

"Yeh baby I'm fine" Shawn whispers.

"Shawnie, it's 4:30 am and you've been tossing and turning and getting up out of bed all night".

"Its nothing , just some indigestion, probably from all the food and alcohol...go back to sleep, I'm fine".

The ringing of the alarm fills the room and Niall turns to Shawn, but the boy is not in bed. Thinking he may of gone to the gym already he gets up and makes tea. Grabbing a biscuit and his cup he heads for the livingroom. Shawn is on the sofa, sleeping, Nial stares and wonders what he's doing here.

"Baby, get up, you're tired go to bed".

Opening his eyes and turning to face Niall, Shawn scratches his head.

"I'm fine really, what time is he asks.

"9:15 am". Answers Niall

"Oh" Shawn breathes out. 

"Ive got to get up I have a full schedule today, my manager contacted me and I have a late meeting, so don't wait up I'll call you. 

Niall smiles and runs his hand through shawns messy curls.  
"No problem, I might go to the pub with Jamie then."

Shawn nods then gets up, and gives Niall a quick peck on the cheek.

"I should head to the gym" . He feels like a liar and averts his eyes from Niall, so not to give his shame away. 

At the gym he's trying to concentrate but meeting Nick tonight is weighing on his mind. Questions run through his head only exacerbating his anxiety. What the fuck could he want. He knows he's torturing himself and he needs to calm down. The day is filled with a massage and a buisnees meeting with his team, then a quick dinner and then he decides to make his way to the hotel. He hates the Château Marmot, its pretentious and a celebrity hangout, both things he's avoided most of his life.

Arrivimg at 6 pm he heads to the bar, he needs a little courage to get through this. The two whiskeys and shot are not calming him. He's been staring at his watch constantly and trying to keep a low-profile. He wants this over. Deciding at 6:43 to head up. The elevator is empty and he sighs and thinks the less people the better. 

Standing, reading the door, he turns both ways, looking to see if the coast is clear. Knocking he wonders how he will react when he sees him.

The waiting is killing him. He feels like Nick is purposely stretching this out. The door finally opens.

"Fashionably early" Nick dryly states. "So quintessentially Canadian".

Shawn roll his eyes and walks past the Jonas brother into the suite.

"What, No hug or kiss Shawn". Nick Smirks.

"What game are you playing Nick". Shawn says exasperated.

Nick laughs .

"Game....You got me all wrong, I just invited a friend over to reminisce about old times". 

Shawn shoots Nick a unsure look. 

"What old times would that be Nick... the one where you take naked pics to blackmail me ".

"Oh, Shawn you were always over sensitive". Nicks gleefully says. "You need a drink"

"No thanks".

Shawn cuts him off.

"Wasn't a question".

Nick calmly reports as he walks to the bar and fixes them drinks.

He's trying to work out in his mind what Nick wants. Accepting the drink from Nick who is quietly staring at him, he decides to quickly drink the whiskey down in one gulp.  
The burning in his throat is intense but he doesn't show it on his face.

Looking at Nick directly in the eyes a feeling overwhelmes him, he lowers his head and quietly he talks.

"Im sorry Nick, what i did and how I treated you was wrong. And then afterwards I was ashamed of my behaviour so I tried to ignore it and you and that wasn't right".

Lifting his head wanting Nick to see his shame and that he truly was sorry.

"And I lost you as a friend and that hurt the most, because you were always the best to me".

He saw Nick quicky glance away, like the pain of his confession was too much to witness, but then his look changed quickly and he was met with a blank stare. 

Nicks slowly claps his hands at him, catching him off guard. Nick leans up against the wall and looked directly in his eyes.

"Beautiful speech baby boy, did you practice that, you really will make a great actor."

Shawn looks on confused. What is happening. Nick moves slowly toward Shawn.

"I don't want or need your apologies Mendes, we are not friends, you made sure of that"

Shawn now on Edge, not understanding why Nick wouldn't accept his apology, he truly meant it. 

"How can I make this better Nick, what is it that you want," 

Nick is genuinely laughing now. 

"Don't you get it, I invite a pretty boy up to my hotel suite. What did you think you were here for".

It takes a second for Shawn to register what Nick just confessed. As he processing, Nick is almost face to face with him then he feels his body hit the hotel wall and hears the thud before he feels the violence of it. Before he can react Nick has him pinned and looks him in the eyes.

"We've really got to stop meeting like this Shawn, people will say were in love"

Shawn tries to push him off but the angle is difficult and then Nick forceably grabs his head and kisses him. Struggling to escape his grip he feels his shirt rip, its being pulled and he glances in Nicks eye and senses danger.  
He pushes one last time and frees himself from Nicks grasp. 

They're both panting now.  
Shawn is tensing his fist preparing for a fight while keeping his eyes on Nick.

A sinister grin forms on Nicks face .

"Shawn, lets play a game". Nick laughs out.

"Fuck you Nick" Shawn spews and wipes his forehead.

"You'll play, you know why, because if these picture accidently are released you good boy image will never recover...and maybe Niall will not want you"

Stunned, Shawns finally clues in. 

"Why". Shawn asks

"Why....I want you to feel hurt, I want you to know the pain of being used...and i know it will prey on your mind cheating on Niall, it will slowly drive you mad...but you won't tell him, you'll keep that buried deep because you will never want to hurt him."

Nick confidently walks to the sofa and sits, he's eyeing Shawn, who's just standing there with a defeated look on his face. Grabbing his drink Nicks takes a sip then places the glass on the table and sits comfortably back and whispers.

"Take off your clothes".

The room becomes silent except for his pounding heart. Shawn's trying to make it all make sense. He can see the look in Nicks eye's, he serious, hes here for payment. Lowering his eyes, he sighs, his mind is processing everything. He could handle it all, strangers seeing the pictures, losing his career, but he couldn't handle Niall leaving him. He realises his hands are balled into fists, breathing out he clears his mind and decides. Raising his head he stares at Nick and unclenches his fist. Moving them to the top of his torn shirt he begins to unbutton. As it opens he thinks Niall deserves better than him, hes no better than a whore. After the last button is opened he takes a second then in one quick movement removes the shirt. No words are exchanged as the two boys look at each other. Next he slowly inches his hands down toward the zipper on his jeans, he again weighs the decision, his mind fully gives up and accepts his fate. Shedsding his jeans he then moves onto his socks. Now standing there in his underwear, self conscious he pleads one last time

"Nick don't do this, please"

Nick ignores the younger boy and eyes him up and down. "Take off your underwear". He demands.

Grabbing his underwear with his finger tips he quickly pulls them down exposing his naked body. Standing still his brathing starts to become shallow.

Nick stands and slowly walks over to the naked boy and rakes his right hand over the muscled singer. Shawn immediately looks away, feelings of disgust overtake him. But Nick continues to feel him, like hes his property. Nick then walks behind Shawn and stands still. He doesn't touch him now. Shawn's mind is racing.

Nick leans to Shawns ear.

"How does it feel to be used, humiliated, like you're worth nothing". 

Shawn is trying to control his emotions, but he is shaking and then a tear falls from his eye. But remains silent. Nick walks to face him then pulls his phone from his pocket and looks at Shawn, both boys look at the phone and then Nick opens the picture file and Shawn witnesses him delete all the nude pictures from his phone and from his cloud. Shawns mind is confused, not sure what's happening.

Nicks eyes pierce into Shawn and Shawn finally sees emtion stain Nicks face. 

"I want you to remember this feeling Shawn, this humiliation" Nick Sorrowly says. "Now get dressed, were done here".

Shawns stomach sinks as he looks at his former friend, so many emotions flood in and he wants vomit. But he recognises he needs Nick to know how sorry he is.

"Nick I sorry for everything, please don't hate me". Shawn begs as he reaches for his clothes. He realises the hurt he caused Nick.

"You still dont get it do you, i don't fucking hate you, I've loved you for so long" Nick shouts. They stare again, Shawn wasn't truly aware how deep Nicks feelings were and the damaged it caused. 

"How can I make this better" Shawn pleads.

"There is no better Shawn, we dont become friends, there's too much hurt between us now". Nick explains.

He knows Nick is right, but knowing breaks part of him. He failed his friendship with Nick and can never get it back. He looks at Nick wanting to thank him , hug him but mostly to take the pain away. But Nick isn't interested , they gaze at each other one last time and then Shawn watches Nick walk to the door. While Nicks hand turns the handle and without looking back, he quietly says "In some way, I've always known its was you". Nick then opens the door and walks out. As the door closes Shawn could feel the tears break and run down his face. While wiping them away his phone rings, he swallows.

"Hey sweetheart". Shawn answers trying to hide the emtion of the night..

"You OK Shawnie," Niall questions picking up something.

"I'm fine Niall". Shawn reflects while wiping away tears 

"Good" Niall acknowledgedes.

"Hey Niall" Shawn quietly asks.

"Yes sweetheart". Answers Niall.

"I love you, you know". Shawn states gently , holding back emotion.

A silence blankets their conversation. Shawn can feel Niall thinking, wondering what is happening. He is nervous but waits for Niall response

"I love you too baby....always".

Shawn silences his anguish hoping Niall can't detect it. .

"On my way home now". Shawn breathes out.


End file.
